I’ve noticed within myself lately a habit that I have that I think many others must also. I’ve noticed that whn I see someone who is different or I don’t like or I think is weird or anything that makes me uncomfortable I catch myself warning them. Once I notice it. I quickly compliment them. I don’t know why I do it but I feel like it’s a coping mechanism that I hve developed and I don’t like it. But what else do you do when you are watching someone on the my I per say and you are thinking about them in your head. And while it may not be a negative thought. They catch you watching them. And they look at you. And the first thing you can say is oh you have really pretty hair or a nice coat. Something superficial and untrue. Their coat could be hideous but it gets the pressure off of you so that you can feel jstified for staring at this stranger. Since I noticed it a few days ago. I’ve noticed other people doing the same thing. I’m curious to know how many people actually do thissort of thing and why they think they do it.
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human attraction
why is human attraction such a fucked up situation. Why cant people just say what the feel, do what they want, and not have regrets or qqualms about it later. Why do we instead terrorize ourselves with the games and rules of dating and such. I dont understand it. I dont relaly enjoy it. But we humans have no choice. Relationships are a mystery to me. But i think that i like that they are that way. I really do not want to know how the game works per say. But i just wish that it didnt exist. I hate that emotions and thoughts play such a crucial role in the relationship game. I just dont understand why people cant just be honest and upfront.
It is funny when you take different people, some outgoing, some shy, some ignorant, some indifferent, some cocky, some gorgeous, and you put them in a room and watch them interact. Egos get so involved that each person cannot even control who they are. They have their egos constantly fighting against one another. If people would drop the acts and stop thinking that they need to put on a facade in order to attract someone i thnk that relationships would come much more natural and easier. Maybe one day we will all realize this…
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Practice
Today was awesome. Woke up with a hangover that could have put the biggest alcoholic out of commission. Well. That may be a slight exaggeration but in reality my head was throbbing, my stomach churning, and i was wondering why I said some stupid things and where the fuck all these bruises came from. Last night was great though. Critical mass had an awesome turnout. Good times as usual.
So today in order to get rid of my hangover I went for a nice long bikeride. ( http://www.mapmyride.com/route/us/ca/san%20francisco/821123829950686809 ) And I took tons of photos and videos.
The reason today was so good was that I really challenged myself. And it feels so good to be challenged and know that no one is watching but that in the back of your head you want to be better so you work that much harder. I feel like lately I have been challenging myself on my bike so much more than usual. Simply because I want to be better. I have found something I really enjoy. and I want to be better at it. I want to ride faster. Be stronger. Uh oh wait. This is starting to sound like a daft punk song.. harder… better…faster…stronger… AHH. IT IS!. So I am doing routes that are harder in order to get better and ride faster and be stronger. Wow. haha. The other thing that I love about riding is the amazing people that I am meeting through it. People who are such a positive influence on my life. People who I can call to hang out and KNOW that I will have a good time. People who I look at and admire how the ride or what they can do and think to myself that someday I want to be there too. And I know I can.. all it takes is practice 
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Tags: bikes, family, fixie, friends, Life, riding
with downcast eyes
With downcast eyes
There’s more to living than being alive
Are you where you thought you’d be
So beautiful and only twenty-three
Opposition rests in the hearts
With no, with no, with no opportunity
It’s not that we don’t talk
It’s just no one really listens and honesty fades
Like a politician lost in the course
All smiles and no one remembers our names
With downcast eyes
There’s more to living than being alive
So this song is really getting at me today along with everything else in the world. I feel like the past month has been a blur. A necessary but highly destructive blur. One of those whirlwinds that swoop you up so fast that you are not sure where you are going and when you will come down but you know when you do that the destruction left in the wake of this storm is going to be a huge mess to clean up. And it has done just that. I feel like I need to find a balance. I need to do things that make me truly happy. I need to set goals and achieve them. And I feel like this is such a fucking cliche story. I think that it is something that has been going on over and over and over and over in my life as well as everyone around me. I guess we will see if this time is any different….
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Fuck the Game
My last 3 posts have been about him. You know the one. The awesome guy in LA who makes me smile and feel special. The one who i wake up and wish I was holding. The one I cant bear to leave at the airport. The one who plays slaphand and cuddles and plays. The one who I thought cared. Or maybe he did care and just didnt know how to show it. Or maybe he could give a fuck less after he got what he wanted. But WHO FUCKING KNOWS. Not me. Im going to go with timing. Because you can blame almost anything on timing and it kinda works out ok. Or maybe it was me. Maybe I was to pushy or to available or called too much or whatever other fucking game rules that are out there. Well I hate rules. I hate playing by the rules and I hate when people play games. I dont know who ever invented fucking games anyway. They are a waste of my life and everyone elses.
Why cant I be upfront. If i like you. hi. i like you. if i dont. bye. done.
And why is it that when I need someone the most they are not there. The one person I want to be there and to tell me its ok just decides that it doesnt really matter or they are too busy doing whatever the fuck else may be more important than taking 5 minutes to call me and ask me if I am ok.
Its like piled everything up at once. Hey jodie. your life is fucking rad. but lets see how you fare when we take away your jobb…. oh how about your house…. oh how about your money… how about the one person who you want to fucking make you smile. I dont understand it. and its not fucking fair. and all these people telling me to look on the bright side and see the light and see this as a changing point in my life i want to tell to fuck off and go to hell and leave me alone to die. but at the same time i know they are right. but why does it hurt so bad. why do i go through these hours when everything is fine.. i smile.. a halfway real smile.. and then i remember.. oh shit. everything has gone completely wrong.
i have nothing.
i had a dream job. that turned out to be a job that drives me insane and standards i dont feel like i can ever live up to.
i had a house which was bearable. not the best but i could deal with it and the people i lived with. and now i am back on a housing search with no fucking money and no idea where to begin.
my friends arent really there. they continuously make plans with me only to break them right before they show up. i mean i have some good friends who will let me cry to them forever. and i am so grateful to them. and even the ones who flaked. and moreso to the one i havent talked to in 5 years who stepped up and made me smile. but i still feel empty and alone. like no one is really there and everyone is done fucking listening to me whine.
i just wish things had started differently this year. i wish my job would have given me the raise i fucking deserved instead of suspending me for something that was not entirely my fault and was silly and overreacting in the firstplace. i wish that my landlord would get over his anal retentive behaviors and the fact that I may be young and not make me find a new place to live. i wish my friends who i thought really cared would come around. its crazy when people you barely talk to you care more than some of the people who you hold closest. and i wish he cared more than anything. i just had such good feelings about this one. i guess i was wrong again. or oh yeah. i forgot. im going to just keep blaming it on timing.
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Turbulant times
Fuck me. I knew I didn’t want to go home. I’m sitting on southwest flight 1714 to Oakland and my body is shaking. Not only because our plane is currntly shaking and dropping altitude and regaining and my heart is going to explode from fear and my body is cold because the temperature is freezing and my head hurts and my heart is sad. I just want to touch ground so bad right now. And I wish it was back in Burbank. I wish I didn’t have to leave. But now I just wish the air would clear up and I didn’t feel as if we were going 4 wheeling In a fucking 737 jet. Fuck this. But in case anything happens I have this beautiful brochure showing me to duck and cover and embrace my seat cushion and inhale through my oxygen mask. And I think I would have a heart attack before even thinking of that stuff. Haha. But at least it’s not as bad as my flight out of London. I know I’ll be fine because that shit was insane and our plane was all over the place. Anyways.
About my weekend. Random trip. Booked my flight two hours before take off. Rushed to airport. Before I realized it I was touchdown in Burbank and tommy and garrett were there to pick me up. (shhhh a little secret. I wanted him to be alone. I had some ideas haha) but I was so fucking happy to see him. With his smile that is kind of a shy I don’t want you to see how much I am really smiling when I look at you in my mirror kinda smile. It made me smile. This whole weekend did. Well until now. But something about being there. I feel really good. Oh and btw tommy if you actually read my blog LOL. Bomb!! I win even from 24000 feet in the air. Haha your scissors got nothing on me. Hahaha. Smiles. I gotta keep remembering the shit that made me smile. Not the tear that burned my eyes as the car drove away an I was sitting in the cold wishing life wasn’t happening an I could just stay.
Oh so some funny stories and random updates from this weekend since I seem to leave weird updates on here. I have an invisible maclaren in my invisible world. Um. Tommy has a tiger in a stable that eats children. Whitneys secret happened to get exposed ( whit I love you. It’s only tommy!! If you read this you might yell at me. Remember the love Dawg)hmm what else. Garretts amazing cough. Guys arguing about lickig assholes and their own. Weird. Little dogs. In n out. A lot of in n out. Smiles. Getting pushed off the bed. Other amazing things which are not going on my blog. 
sylvester. More smiles. Chillin in the hood. Measuring noses. Playing in slippers and starting slipper fights. Damn. I just gotta remember all this and it will keep my smile.
All in all. I had a great weekend. Now if this turbulence would fuck off and die. I would feel much better about my life right now. Minus the fact im sad. At least I would feel safe and not on the edge of my seat. I guess everyhing happens for a reason I am realizing. I have turbulence to keep my mind off being sad. Im sad because i left something happy. I’m happy because I took a chance. Haha. But really take every opportunity. Or else who knows what could have happened?
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Just because I’m dating some random chick doesn’t mean I’m retarded
Kyla on being Kyla
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listening.
Is this where the interstate ends?
In coastal towns like this
Waiting for my world to cave under
We seem to invent ourselves (we seem to invent ourselves)
In places left unknown
If hope could only find me out
Is this the end of everything we know? (We know)
This is the end of everything I am
Is anybody out there?
Hello! Hello!
Broken hearts like promises, are left for lesser knows
Is anybody out there?
Alone! Alone!
Because the coldest winters thrive
Depression is the unholy ghost
In the coastal towns ahead
Though I know a thousand names
I seem my only friend
I’ve got the gun
All I need is ten cents for the bullet
I feel helpless, sleeping at best, waiting for your return
Are you ever coming home?
Is anybody out there?
Hello! Hello!
Broken hearts like promises, are left for lesser knows
Is anybody out there?
Alone! Alone!
Cause the coldest winter’s thrive on broken homes
Broken homes
Does anybody (Does anybody)
Do they ever listen? (Do they ever listen?)
Does anybody (Does anybody)
Care at all?!
Do they care at all?
Do they care at all?
Do they care at all?
Do you care at all? Do you care at all?!
Is this the end of everything we know? (We know)
This is the end of everything I am
Is anybody out there?
Hello! Hello!
Broken hearts like promises, are left for lesser knows
Is anybody out there?
Alone! Alone!
Cause the coldest winter’s thrive on broken homes
Is anybody out there?
Hello! Hello!
Broken hearts like promises, are left for lesser knows
Is anybody out there?
Alone! Alone!
From a lesser known
I’m here and there’s hope
There’s hope
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Tags: emo, lyrics, music
505 miles and counting
Driving home from LA. Lots of thoughts going through my head. Good times. Goodbyes I didn’t want to make. Butt is tired from sitting in the damn cAr. Happy yet sad. Here’s a highlight version of the trip
Getting lost on I 5 who does that?
Blasting 311 on the 118 to get in the mood.
Sleeping in with a boy.
Garrett and gregs 3 hour debate…” roscoes or pinks??”
Tommy sporting his wetsuit for me for no apparent reason. But it was hot.
Those awesome morning moments.
In n out.
Rocking out to nsync.
Guitar solos in the car.
Flashing the road on accident while trying to grab my phone from under the seat.
Kisses.
Laughs.
Good times.
Relaxation.
Whitneys little mishap.
Whitney didn’t die.
Whit saw Disneyland. I saw tommys room.
Old friends. New friends. Naked friends.
All in all another amazing journey for jodie and Whitney. Not a chart topper but a great one. I once again don’t want to return to San francisco. I am trying to keep my head on straight. Got a lot of thoughts up there right now. I like this feeling though. It’s fun and exciting. And regardless of what happens I am happy right now. I got to spend 16 hours in a car with Whitney. Got to act like a geek. Sleep next to someone who makes me smile. And I’m good with that.
Til next time LA.
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