Fuck the Game

04Feb09

My last 3 posts have been about him. You know the one. The awesome guy in LA who makes me smile and feel special. The one who i wake up and wish I was holding. The one I cant bear to leave at the airport. The one who plays slaphand and cuddles and plays. The one who I thought cared. Or maybe he did care and just didnt know how to show it. Or maybe he could give a fuck less after he got what he wanted. But WHO FUCKING KNOWS. Not me. Im going to go with timing. Because you can blame almost anything on timing and it kinda works out ok. Or maybe it was me. Maybe I was to pushy or to available or called too much or whatever other fucking game rules that are out there. Well I hate rules. I hate playing by the rules and I hate when people play games. I dont know who ever invented fucking games anyway. They are a waste of my life and everyone elses.

Why cant I be upfront. If i like you. hi. i like you. if i dont. bye. done.

And why is it that when I need someone the most they are not there. The one person I want to be there and to tell me its ok just decides that it doesnt really matter or they are too busy doing whatever the fuck else may be more important than taking 5 minutes to call me and ask me if I am ok.

Its like piled everything up at once. Hey jodie. your life is fucking rad. but lets see how you fare when we take away your jobb…. oh how about your house…. oh how about your money… how about the one person who you want to fucking make you smile. I dont understand it. and its not fucking fair. and all these people telling me to look on the bright side and see the light and see this as a changing point in my life i want to tell to fuck off and go to hell and leave me alone to die. but at the same time i know they are right. but why does it hurt so bad. why do i go through these hours when everything is fine.. i smile.. a halfway real smile.. and then i remember.. oh shit. everything has gone completely wrong.

i have nothing.

i had a dream job. that turned out to be a job that drives me insane and standards i dont feel like i can ever live up to.

i had a house which was bearable. not the best but i could deal with it and the people i lived with. and now i am back on a housing search with no fucking money and no idea where to begin.

my friends arent really there. they continuously make plans with me only to break them right before they show up. i mean i have some good friends who will let me cry to them forever. and i am so grateful to them. and even the ones who flaked. and moreso to the one i havent talked to in 5 years who stepped up and made me smile. but i still feel empty and alone. like no one is really there and everyone is done fucking listening to me whine.

i just wish things had started differently this year. i wish my job would have given me the raise i fucking deserved instead of suspending me for something that was not entirely my fault and was silly and overreacting in the firstplace. i wish that my landlord would get over his anal retentive behaviors and the fact that I may be young and not make me find a new place to live. i wish my friends who i thought really cared would come around. its crazy when people you barely talk to you care more than some of the people who you hold closest. and i wish he cared more than anything. i just had such good feelings about this one. i guess i was wrong again. or oh yeah. i forgot. im going to just keep blaming it on timing.

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