Archive Page 2
WTF
sometimes i get in these moods. where there is no reason but my brain wont fucking shut off. this is one of these times. when my head feels like it is going to explode and throughts flow through my brain waves faster than i can catch them. i have nothing to be angry at or about. nothign to be depressed about. yet out of no where comes the fucking mood. you know the one. the one that makes you want to listen to sad music and cry while listening to angry music and going outside to scream at the top of your lungs in frustrations and at the same time you want to sit and wallow in pity while listening to something like death cab and thinking why me why me. but its none of those. its a combination. and there is no reason for it. i do want to scream and cry and talk and run and sleep and hurt and reflect and forget and remember and a million other things. i know it will pass but i just thought writing would make it better. bye.
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2009 might be a good one
2008 was fucking insane. A mess of people experiences good and bad dreams loss gain fuckk. It was a lot to take in. And honestly I don’t want to have another year as crazy I know that for a fact.
I’m sitting in simi valley at someones house I barely know. As the boys sit and play video games all day I release a deep breath and think about how great I feel. I feel at home. Even with people I hardly know. But they remind me of my friends growing up. Or maybe my brothers friends. But the comfort level makes me feel right at home. And the relaxation I’ve had in the last two days is amazing. Sometimes you have to get out of your daily grind to realize that relaxing is a good thing. San francisco can take the life out of you. Working a schedule that is 7 days long without breaks or with breaks that turn into parties which technically isn’t a break at all. That’s what I’m over for 09.I’m over the stress and the exhaustion. I’m over filling every second of every day with something. I mean why can’t I sit and watch tv all say once in a while ? I like this feeling and I am planning on keeping it a lot more. Or maybe I’ll just have to make more trips down south?!?;) haha. But last night instead of going out and getting fucked up out of my mind I stayed in. I slept through the new year. I woke up in somones arms. And I have no regrets about missing the hottest party of the year or going out and drinking or any of that. Because I woke up happy. 
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Tags: thinking
Hopeful romantic
Fairy tales. The one where the prince gets the beautiful princess and they run off into the world to conquer all that may come in front of them. They fall madly in love. They are eachothers world. Who the fuck doesn’t want someone like that? I mean I think to myself all the time. It would be nice to meet someone and just tell them ” hey let’s fall in love ” unfortunately that is still a fairy tale. And fairy tales are stories for a reason. Written to amuse and inspire but known by all as stories and only that. So why is it that so many beleve in this fabrication called love. Is there any real meaning or sense of love or being in love or however you approach it? I find myself thinking there is no such thing. And I don’t believe there needs to be.
Don’t get me wrong. I have been in love. I have felt it. I have been willing to give up my being for the benefit of someone else. But I have also loved. I have loved whole heartedly and it was much more pleasant.
It is kind of going with my thoughts on organized religion. If an ideal is out there and motivated you to be a better happier an more fulfilled person than by all means do so. If the notion of a fairy book Romance leads you to seek out the one oter human in this mix of 7 billion ( a number so large it is hard for me to comprehend ) than more power to you.
For me. I like living in the moment. I’m sick of imagining what could or should or may happen. It’s not worthwhile. It takes you out of the moment an your thoughts are somewhere else where you cannot even remember the last thing a person said. We are all humans and when I look t humans I see people of interest people I’m attracted to people I’m not people I don’t notice people who annoy me by looking at them people of all sorts. But then I also see a person who is so completely different from me but has the same basic needs and desires. Someone who wants to hold hands when they walk downtown. Someone who wants a kiss on the cheek or there neck. Someone who wants to trust and love and feel. And maybe there is still a little glimpse of imagination and the thought of storybook romance.
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La la la la la life is wonderful
So I got out of class in a mood worse than any I’ve been in in a long time. Not only was I tired and cold and bored I was lonely frustersted and depressed. So waiting for the bus I turned on Jason mraz and as usual was instantly put in a better mood.
This doesn’t mean I’m not still emo right now because I am. But his music puts a mood in me where I can see the silver lining.
I am broke. Like zero dollars to my name. No money and need to stop using my cards even for necessities because thy are all almost maxed. But at least I know that in two week I will r working much more plus my student loan comes in in january ad on top of that I am doing some freelance work for some extra cash. Also not havin money means I can focus on another aspect of my life.
School. Two weeks left in the semester and I am behind or I feel like I am. I need to play catch up but there are only two more weeks. Than it’s work only. And I’m not graduating in may because of the budget cuts but that means less classes per semester which means less stress and more money from work. Starting to get better right?
Other issues with me are that when it’s cold and grey and holidays I get lonely. I haven’t met anyone but I know they will come. I am gonna stop looking. Spend the holidays with me and my family. Take some time to center myself and just be me.
Jason I don’t know how you do it but spmethin between the beautiful melodies mixed with the uplifting lyrics hits the litle nerve endings in my ears and suddenly electric charges surge through my brain and down through my body to the deepest parts of my heart and then it makes me smile again.
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Where am i
Just leave me alone. Go. Now. Shut up. No wait I don’t mean that. Hold me. Take care of me. Let me cry. Who are you. Where are you. When will I meet you. Come find me. I need you. I want you. I have no idea who you are. Take me. Love me. Love my flaws my insecuritiea. Give me strength. Give me motivation. Where are you. Especially when I need you the most. Why don’t you just call me. Tell me it’s ok. Tell me my thoughts aren’t real. Sometimes you need me too. I know this. I can feel it. But I just wish I knew who you were. U wish I knew where to find you. The one who can love me for me. With no conditions. Not Caring If I am depressed or hate my body I wish I was prettier or smarter or better with by money or a better daughter or funnier or more relaxed or anything. Someone who could sit in a room and feel alive and feel whole and know that it was because of me. Jodie where the fuck are you ?
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exhausted
Wow. It has been one ROUGH week.
To start out I was still battling the flu which did nothing for me except for make me tired, groggy, and irritable at the world. I was behind in work and school and feeling like there was no way for me to come back from it all! Thankfully I proved myself wrong and actually exceeded my expectations.
This week I.. worked extra and caught up on my project. Went to ALL of my classes. Went to the gym twice. Played Guitar.. and all the other usuals.
Anyways I am EXHAUSTED but I feel really good about this week. Its nice to feel like I am back on my feet and everything. Time to go out and enjoy the weekend and also catch up on some more work unfortunately but hey.. gotta handle it.
Have a great weekend everyone.
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forgetting
im stuck in a constant bettle in my mind over forgetting or dreaming. Is it really true that if you want something bad enough you can have it? Is it true that you get what you deserve? Is it true that some things are better left undone? I guess that anything is possible. I just hope this isnt all a waste of my time. With everything else in my life going crazy I dont need to add more to my plate yet I want to. And I guess if I am overly optimistic then things will work out how I would like. If I am narcissitic then it doesnt fucking matter cuz I am the shit anyways. And if I am pessimistic then I am going to drive myself insane because of the complete and epic failure.
Which do I go along with?
How do I decide when is the breaking point where I completely give up?
ps. this mood im in is SHIT. I need to go take a nap. zzz
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Tags: memories, people, thinking
unprofound thinking
unprofound should be a word. thesaurus says that the antonym is stupid or ignorant but i believe that something being unprofound is completely reasonable.
Anyways I havent posted in ages. Things have been hectic but also I have just become lazy. Ive forgotten how great it feels to write out all of the things that you are feeling or thinking or the sensations that occur in our daily lives. I feel lately like I have been speaking too much on the things that are going on in my life. People are probably sick of listening. So instead I turn to the blank page that rests on my computer screen where I can talk away and no one is obligated to listen.
So for those who continue to read let me update you on the current status of my life. I will try to keep this short and sweet as there is nothing completely PROFOUND that has happened 
The most important thing that has changed in my life is that I currently have 42 days completely clean. no alcohol. no drugs. nothing. Its rough and I dont know how much longer it is going to last either. But it feels good in a weird sense. Accomplished and healthy I guess.
I am also learning guitar. Something I never really imagined myself doing. Well that is a lie. I have thought about it. I have thought of learning bass guitar and how cool that would be. Learning guitar has changed my whole perception of music and I have only learned a few simple songs. When I listen to music now I listen closely and carefully. I listen to each instrument and pick out the guitar from all the other sounds. I listen to strumming patterns and lead vs. rhythm guitar as best I can. When I see live music my eyes are dialed in on the guitar players fingers – watching as they move up and down the frets and strum away – and i feel inspired. I am trying to not get discouraged but in my mind i desperately want to be good enough to play in a band.
I got a new tattoo yesterday. It is a lyric from the band A Skylit Drive from the song “A reason for broken wings”. The lyric says — Close your eyes, just Dream — which I found beautiful and decided to get it inked. It hurt like no other. I wasnt expecting it to be as painful as it was but I am glad that I got it.
Other than that. I am hanging out with the people who really matter most to me. And that feels good. My life is going on a good path. Overwhelmed by school and work but still heading in the right direction and it feels nice.
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Tags: Life, random, thinking, update
Deviant Art Account
http://jodie2point0.deviantart.com/
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Tags: art
w00t
I can still draw. Thats all!!! YAYY!!!!
My reference photo:
My Drawing:
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Tags: art, drawing
